she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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