I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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