The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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