the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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