Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize