my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
