i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
