can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
