I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
