We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
