Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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