I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
