I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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