Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
