My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is Oprah even human
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
