last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
