1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
