We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
