you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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