I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
