meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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