you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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