Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
