you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
