just tell him i said nine months
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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