Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
