life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
