I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
