god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
