How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
