he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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