Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Randomize
