saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
