I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
