fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
