I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize