Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
