There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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