I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
