Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
