My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
