How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
