just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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