yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
