it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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