Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
