Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
