I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
