oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize