whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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