this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
