Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
