Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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