i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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