Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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